


Tears of the Broken

by TransBoy83, Twenty_One_Idjits



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel in Purgatory (Supernatural), Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Dean Winchester Needs to Use Actual Words, Dean Winchester is Bad at Feelings, Homophobic John Winchester, Hurt Sam Winchester, I'm Bad At Tagging, Idiots in Love, M/M, My First AO3 Post, My First Fanfic, POV Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester Needs a Hug, Sam Winchester Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester is So Done, Slight Internalized Homophobia, Slight demon dean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 02:56:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29361390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TransBoy83/pseuds/TransBoy83, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twenty_One_Idjits/pseuds/Twenty_One_Idjits
Summary: A tale of the broken characters; the killer hunter, Dean Winchester and a wingless angel, Castiel; that are in denial of their love but when their mission goes south Dean finally accepts his fate of love he makes the biggest leap in his life. Telling his lover how he truly feels. Will they fall for each other and everything will be fine or will they die trying to be together forever?
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Make sure you have some tissues. But read if you dare.

He knew it was true, the first time they met, the first time he looked in his deep blue eyes, the first words he spoke to him "I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition.". Dean couldn't stop thinking about the angel, with his ocean blue eyes, his deep gravelly voice, his constipated face, and adorable head tilt. Dean was in love. He just doesn't know when he will break his lust for him.

"So get this apparently," Sam said out of nowhere when he entered the bunker's library“there's a way to kill...Dean... hello...Dean."  
While Sam was trying to get his older brother's attention, Dean was in his own head trying to imagine what his amazing blue-eyed angel would say when he got back from heaven with the whereabouts of Kelly Kline.  
"DEAN!!!"  
Sam sees a book in front of him that he was researching. He took the book off of the desk and dropped it as hard as he could. Once the book hit the desk it made a huge bang and brought Dean back to reality.  
"What the hell was that for Sammy" Dean yelled out of shock  
"Well you were daydreaming about your angel and I didn’t know how to get your attention," Sam said calmly  
“I was not fucking thinking about my ang- Cas I wasn’t thinking about cas!” yelled because how DARE he say that about Cas and me  
“So what were you thinking about then?” Sam asked trying to get his idiotic older brother to just tell the truth and confront his feelings.  
“Those British motherfuckers”  
“The British Men of Letters, you mean”  
“You know what I mean,” Dean said with a sigh still upset with what Sam said  
“Right.”  
“Yeah. Do get anything else to add, Sammy?” Dean asked purposely to draw out the ‘m’ in Sammy just because he knows that he hates being called "Sammy", but whenever Sam and Dean argue he always uses Sammy just to aggravate him.  
“It's Sam.” said a little grumpy because he is kinda done with his dumbass annoying brother.  
“Sure thing Sammy.” just to annoy him a little bit more but not too much because they do have to share the bunker.  
“You know what. I'll go to the archives and see what I can find so you can be alone with your pissy fit because I know why you're always daydreaming and dozing off in Cas land.”  
“I told you I was-” trying to explain what he was doing when he was off in his head before Sam interrupted him so he could try to make the situation better.  
“Oh, I get you don't have to lie just to keep my innocent mind from wondering what you and your little hubby do during playtime together.” Sam stated like the snarky little shit he is.  
“You little-” Dean tried to say before he was interrupted AGAIN by Sam.  
“Well, I'll leave you to it. Have fun!” Sam cheerful as ever  
“We're not done, you little shit.” But before he could continue, Sam was already out of sight from the conversation.  
“Damn it.” Dean pouted with a groan

~~~~

I was getting a little upset about all the shit that Sam was saying about me and Cas. _‘You know what I need a goddamn drink after all that shit Sammy said’ _I thought while I was walking through the hall before I entered my room alone.  
I walked in and sat on my bed listening to some Led Zeppelin with my amazing headphones and a glass of Gleannloch Single Malt Scotch whiskey.  
_‘Who does Sammy think he is, bringing Cas to the fight. That asshole. I'm always daydreaming about Cas, that’s a joke, right. I mean he is handsome and his eyes...What am I saying? I sound like some highschool chick that talks to their friends about their crushes.’ _  
I took a sip of my glass and felt the burning sensation on the after-burn. As I finished the last drop of the whiskey, I felt a vibration in his side pocket. It was his phone. I immediately put down the glass and went to grab my phone. To my surprise when I finally saw who was calling him. It was Castiel. I hesitated, I still don't know what to say or what to do.____

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____

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_‘Damn, it's Cas. What should I say? 'Hey, Cas what's up?' No no no, what am I, flirty little girl. 'What’d you find Cas?' Really straight to business, that's all I got.’ _  
As I was thinking to myself I forgot that my phone was still ringing. Until it was about to go to voice-mail. _  
_‘shit’ _  
I quickly picked up the phone and answered it. As I was going to say hello, I stopped myself.  
“Hello, Dean,” Castiel said as his usual self  
I didn't say anything  
“I have a way to track down Kelly Kline,” Cas said to Dean who was speechless  
“Dean...Dean are you there?” Cas said with a hint of worry in his voice  
I still didn't answer. I have no idea what to say to him. I got lost in thought from listening to his amazing gravelly deep voice and thinking about how to tell him what it does to me.  
“If this is a bad time I can call back later or call-”  
Before he could finish I came back to reality just in time before Cas ended the call.  
"No no no, it's fine, sorry I spaced out there for a second. Too many glasses of Gleannloch Whiskey makes you a little loopy.” I said attempting to salvage what just happened.  
”It's fine.” Cas said with a sigh of relief before continuing his sentence. “Kelly Kline was sighted at Ervin's Diner in Darlington, South Carolina.”  
‘Where… Oooh yeah, the one with eve’ “The diner where Eve was at?” I asked  
“I believe so.” I think I could hear the small smile on his face while he was saying that.  
“OK. Is she still in South Carolina?”  
“I'm not quite sure exactly, haven’t got any clues to her staying, I mean she might move to the next state or country soon, meet me at Ervin's Diner.”  
“Great. i and Sam will be down there ASAP.” I replied quickly  
“I'll see you then. I'll be in touch if anything happens.”  
“K, see you soon. Bye”  
I pushed the end call button on my phone and placed it on my bed right next to me.___ __

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~~

Sam was sitting at the first desk in the entrance. He was reading some of the Men of Letters records that were hidden. Dean walks in and goes to the map table room with a green duffel bag full of clothes.  
"What's with the bag?" Sam questioned wondering what his brother has gotten into now.  
"Cas has a lead on Kelly and he wants us to meet him at the dinner where we saw Eve." Dean stated  
"Really?"  
"Yeah. So go pack up some clothes we're going to be there for a bit." Dean started a little bit forcefully so Sam would get up and moving  
Sam got up and walked away. Dean was left alone. He imagined what they were going to do when they caught Kelly Kline. Sam walks back into the room carrying a blue duffel bag.  
"OK, I'm good."  
"What, no potty break before we go?" Dean asked innocently  
"Haha, very funny. So were you happy to hear his voice after a couple of months of not seeing him or talking to him? I’m mean he is your crush after all." Sam tossed back to annoy him back  
"He’s not...no, I'm not having this discussion with you."  
"You just don’t want to talk about it because you know that I'm right about this. Also, you're terrible at hiding the truth about how you truly feel about Cas. Ever since he came back after the leviathans you’ve been all mushy and have been all worked up whenever he’s hurt or if he has done something wrong."  
”That’s not true-” Dean tried to say  
”It's not. Do I have to spell it out for you?” he interrupted before his idiot brother pushed his emotions and feelings for the angel down even more.  
”SAM!” Dean yelled  
There was silence in the room after Dean yelled at Sam. He hasn’t heard Dean yell at him like that since he and Sam got into it when he found out that he and Ruby were working together and he was drinking demon blood. Dean saw the look on Sam’s face and felt bad for yelling at him like that. He always hated when he had to raise his voice at Sam. It always reminded himself of his father whenever he screamed at the boys for screwing up something.  
”I-I’m s-I’m sorry,” Dean stutters out trying to apologize for yelling like that “I didn’t mean to.”  
Sam didn’t answer. He just stood there staring at the board with info on Kelly Kline in silence. Dean was silent looking at his baby brother upset and started to feel guilty. Dean grabbed his bag and walked towards him. He stopped right in front of him and placed his hand on Sam’s shoulder while hesitating slightly wondering whether or not Sam will freak out.  
“H-hey, we should get going. We don’t want to keep Cas waiting, I told him we would be there ASAP. So let’s go.”  
Before Sam could say anything, Dean walked away into the hall. Sam was left alone and he could finally think. He could understand his rage anyone he loves dies or gets hurt. All at once with his thoughts, he grabbed his duffel bag and started to walk through the hall and into the garage meeting Dean putting his bag in the back of the Impala.  
”So you want to talk about it?” Sam asked finally  
Dean didn’t answer. As Sam was waiting for a response from him, he put his duffel bag in the car alongside Dean’s bag. Dean still didn’t answer and brushed the question off. Dean walked over to the driver’s door and opened it he paused before entering the Impala, he turns back to Sam. He tries to push an excuse or something to get him to understand, but he couldn’t. In turn, Sam closed the trunk of the car, walked to the passenger door, and entered the car. Dean stood at the opened car door staring into the abyss. He was guilty of being so worked up about it. He didn’t want to be the burden he feels like. He also didn’t want to be more different than he already was. Hunting monsters, saving people, the family business, but Dean didn’t want to be the odd man out. He was scared that Sam would be like dad with his disapproval of people who change the gender they were given at birth to ones that more fit them, and all that LGBTQ stuff. Dean once tried to tell his father sadly his John got all worked up and said that it was just a phase. If John was more accepting he might have come out of the closet a long time ago. On the other hand what if Sam wasn’t like that? Maybe he will approve of it. Sam had always said that he wanted Dean to be happy. Dean stood there wondering if Sam could handle it if he wouldn’t think it was a phase, that it is the way Dean is, what makes him happy.  
”Are you going to get in?” Sam asked breaking Dean out of his trance.  
Dean soon realized that he was just standing at the door and promptly got into the Impala and closed the driver’s door. Dean put the keys into the ignition and turned them. Before he moved the gear from park to drive he looked at Sam. Sam was looking out the passenger window, Dean hesitated to start a conversation but said nothing. He moved the gear to drive and pushed on the gas. The two of them rode off in the Impala into the night together with the intent to find their true selves instead of the hunters they were and that everyone told stories about. But the person that is the one deep down in their minds and souls that they like to hide, to keep in the dark to keep them strong.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in this chapter, we see what happens in deans mind when he goes to sleep

We’re halfway to South Carolina when we stopped to rest and to eat before we hit the road again. We checked into the nearest motel and settled in for the night. We both went to bed at 10 o’clock after a few beers and a few burgers with fries. I looked over at Sammy, who was already asleep. I looked back at the ceiling that was over me. I went back to my memories of purgatory and when Cas was possessed by Lucifer. The pain, the suffering, and all the panic attacks by stressing over the problems and the things that went wrong that caused the plan to go south. I turned onto my side on the bed. I immediately felt the heavyweight of tiredness wash over me as I laid there, I closed my eyes for a minute but when I tried to open them I had all of these images and blurs of the memories of the past fly over me forcing me to keep my eyes closed. I tried so hard to open them but my mind wouldn’t allow me to. My mind raced between memories that I shut out of way. So I didn’t have to revisit all of the pain and the horrible shit that was done to me and my family. He tried even harder to open my eyes but couldn’t it was like my eyes were glued shut. Then all at once, the sight of a certain memory popped into my view of vision. Purgatory. I never thought I would ever be back into this mindset. I have worked so hard to avoid this, the leviathans, Benny, the loss of some of my humanity, the loss of the one and only blue-eyed angel that I love so dearly. It had started, the madness ensued. The next thing I knew I was standing over a vamp's decapitated body. I stared at the dead body wondering what time span I was in. Then I heard movement in the distance. I got worked up but through the shrub and tree came Benny. I was relieved to see my good old vampire friend. "The vamp said they saw your little angel friend near a river bend up north. We should head there now before the rest of them come." Benny stated. That was when I realized what they were doing. They were getting intel about Cas. Before I could think about what we did next when I blinked the memory switched, when I opened my eyes I saw trees and heard Benny behind me. we pushed through the trees until I heard the sounds of water flowing past. I pushed the branches out of his face quicker than before. Once the branches were clear all I could see was the shore and the white wash stream. As I glances at the terrain I see a figure in the distance. The figure was kneeling near the stream, they had a dirty tan color trench coat with messy black hair and with off white clothing underneath the coat. Castiel. "CAS!" I yelled automatically. I rushed to the filthy angel. The angel got up to meet the two of them. I rushed to Cas with open arms and hugged his rough and skinny body. Once more the dream altered, when I opened my eyes again I found myself in the bunker. The lights were off but the emergency lights were glowing red. I looked around and right away I knew where I was and what memory it was. It was when I was a demon because of The Mark. As I roamed the halls looking for Sam, I found the electrical room and turned the power back on. The next thing I knew Sam had locked me inside of the room. I walked up to the door and started to smash it down with a hammer. The dream altered for the third time and I found myself behind Sam. Sam turns around and I swung the hammer at Sam’s head but he dodges and misses, bringing the hammer to be stuck in the wall. Sam pulls out the demon blade and puts it up to my neck. I lay my chin on the blade allowing me to meet Sam eye-to-eye. Out of nowhere, I heard the words “Come on, do it.” from my mouth. The next thing I see is Sam’s face with terror. Sam draws back the knife from his brother. I tried to wake up but my mind had a stronghold on my body, I couldn't move my whole entire body, not even my arms and legs. I find myself charging towards Sam. But before I could lay hands on him, Cas stepped in and grabbed me. I turned my eyes black while trying to escape Castiel’s strong grip on me. Cas saw what I was trying to do, he brought out his angel instinct and turned his blue eyes to tighten his grip. The dream transformed for the fourth time in the row but this time it was different, I still had the Mark of Cain but it wasn’t like last time, this time, I was still at the bunker but in the library, all the books and all of their staff was in a pile and there were two bodies on the ground. I saw the first body, it was a boy. Maybe in high school or maybe fresh out, he had glasses, a button-up shirt that was bright blue. I looked over at the other body, it was different from the first. He had a vest over a white button-up. But there was something peculiar about his arms, on his left arm, it looked like it had been sewed on. Then that is when I knew what the memory was. It was when I went rogue. I heard footsteps coming up behind me. But before I could turn my back the memory changed once more. This time it was action. I could see myself hit someone. They were wearing something tarnish. I couldn’t see the image very well because I was fighting against the dreams forcing his eyes open, but same as before, no luck. Before I knew it there was a scratchy voice coming through. “Dean,” the figure said. As soon as I heard those words I knew who it was. Castiel. I watched as I pummeled him and threw him across the room. Now I am forcing myself back to reality but my stupid mind would not cease the images, they kept playing repeat after repeat after every hit I took at Cas. Finally, I watched as I threw the finishing blow to Castiel, ending him onto the wooden floor. I watched myself crouch over the beaten Cas and watched me stumble over words as the pain ensues my body. Dean then reached for Cas’ angel blade that was hidden in his sleeve. I angle the point of the blade at my head but hesitate to move. I arch my back and as I came down with the blade moving past Cas’ head, hitting the book. I woke up. The finishing blow that almost ended my most valuable friend, family member, and loved one, that was the one that woke me, the one that ended the pain. I never forgave that night ever. I was drenched in a cold sweat, my shirt was soaked. I turned to Sammy bed and saw that he was missing from view. Then I realized the light shining through the curtains of their room. I turned to the clock on the nearby nightstand to see it reading 10 o’clock am. That means it was all a dream that lasted all night. It almost felt an eternity in the state I was in. Sam comes out of the bathroom looking ready to head out the door. He looks over at his older brother seeing him pale like a ghost, seeing him drenched in sweat, seeing him in a state that he has never seen. Sam was worried. He walks over to my bed and sits at the very end. “Are you alright? You look horrible.'' Sam asked me while you could hear the worry in his voice. I was silent for a moment but looked up to see my younger brother sitting on the end of my bed looking like I had been stabbed or impaled or something like that. I didn’t say anything, but I shook my head, Sam already knew that it might have been personal by the way I looked. Sam looked around the room trying to figure out what to do or what to say to help me calm down, But couldn’t. Sam got up from his position and started to head to the kitchen. He stopped at the entrance and turned back to me. “Dean, I know I haven’t gone through what you have. But I want to help you get through this. I want you to be free from this weight on your shoulders. I know, I might be sounding like a chick but that’s just you.”Sam told me. Sam turned halfway back to the kitchen before saying something to me. “You know I always have your back and I want you to know that. So...we should get going like you said we shouldn’t keep Cas waiting right.”he stated. Then I watched him walk into the kitchen and grab a cold beer from the fridge then started to walk back to me. As Sam left the beer on the nightstand and went to go get the stuff packed and into the car. I just lied in the bed resting my head on the wooden bed frame. I wondered to myself, _‘how the hell did I get this far?’_ I thought to myself and went to get up from the bed to start my day.

**Author's Note:**

> The journey begins, will they find themselves and each other?


End file.
